I'd Rather Not Fake It

I was debating whether to write this blog or not, just because it is a hard topic to write about. Also, because it is very personal, I figured, if I am going through this, I know others may or are also going through it too. So I gathered my strength and here it is.

After my Australia trip, I went to a small resort where I met some of my friends. They had also gone to Australia, so we figured, why not spend some days on that side of the island before going back to our villages. 

The first 2 days were very calm. A lot of sleeping in the hammocks, talking about our trips, and eating good food.

The second night was a bit rough. After spending a good time with the group, I wanted to catch up individually with one of my friends, so we went to sit by the water. As time passed, a few others joined. As we continued to share more about our trips, one of the boys had gone a little overboard with the drinking and started to make me feel a bit uncomfortable.

It started with him questioning my outfit. “Oh, why are you wearing that? Where are you going? Are you going on a date?” Mind you, he had already pointed it out a couple of times. I was wearing a black long-sleeved top and my black leather pants. I figured I was not going to wear those clothes for a while since I was heading back to the village, so it was either there or not for months. I re-mentioned this to him again. A few minutes later, he brought it up again. At that time, I was over it and just ignored it. 

Then we moved on to an even weirder topic, which was; why was I not giving any of the boy’s attention, more specifically, why was I not sleeping around with any of them? Like WHUT? Not only was I flabbergasted by these questions, but in shock. I tried to level with him and put it in simple terms. I am Christian, dating to marry, not interested in hooking up with anyone. Not only was he surprised, but he was in absolute shock, like he couldn't believe what I was saying. Mind you, I had never given him any reason to think otherwise.

I then go further to explain that I am not interested in leading anybody on. He then hits me with the “You never give any of them a chance to even approach you.” To make it even worse, he starts to list off names of people whom he thinks I may have had something with. At that point, I realized that that conversation was pointless and it was not going anywhere given his state. But of course, I still felt the need to protect and defend myself, so I hit him with the “Due to my values, and the things God has created me for, I don’t value random hookups, or need to seek attention from any male” again! He then tries to “make me feel better” by saying, “Well, just so you know, a lot of the guys in our group and the others want to sleep with you.” Well, to that, I scoffed and said, “So what... Should this make me happy? Excited? Should I celebrate it?” Well no. I won’t. That is not something that needs to be celebrated. In fact, to me, that knowledge is degrading.   

I want to take a moment to address the situation. I was feeling very weird and out of place. Firstly, when someone comments on an outfit inappropriately, it is not okay. My first instinct was to cover myself. Mind you, every part of my skin was already covered, but I still felt as if I should have covered myself better. Then I started to have second doubts about how pretty I felt, which was so not okay. Attention boys, men, whoever you are, if you are reading this, please be careful how you comment on a woman's outfit. Sexualizing her does not make her feel beautiful, it makes her feel weird and uncomfortable. 

To my gurls, please don’t let these unfiltered opinions affect the way that you dress or feel. You are not responsible for the things that come out of their mouths, so please don’t blame yourself. It is not your fault. 

To make matters worse, I think that the conversation is coming to an end when he hits me with the “We have a chat where we talk about you often. Some of the girls don’t like you because of your house, your bure. They say that you have the best village, and that you are always too happy. They don't get why you're only posting good videos. They say that you're too Christian. That your videos don't really show the reality of what we are experiencing.” bla bla bla bla bla.

To my astonishment, all this catches me by surprise. Well, sheesh, I didn’t know many of them felt that way. Heck, I kinda thought everything was fine. I mean, a few minutes ago, I didn’t catch any animosity from any of them at the table when we were talking about our experiences and whatnot.

As I continued to “hear” him talk, my calm and chill vibe had definitely died. I disassociated myself from the whole group. I thought, “Well, if this is the perceived notion of who I am, and what people think of me, well, I don't want to be associated, or linked to such ugliness. 

To be fair, no one likes to be in a room where people talk about them behind their backs, and then act as if nothing had happened. The thought doesn’t sit well in my stomach. 

As he continued to spill the beans, I tried to rationalize their views, and then I thought they must be jealous. I mean, I hit the nail on the head because the boy had confirmed, “Don't listen to them. They are just jealous.” 

To be honest, I was never planning on to. I already knew that. Jealous people tend to want to bring others down. I don't know if it's because they are unhappy where they are, or simply because they cannot see others happy, but it only speaks of their character.

While he continued to talk, I started to rationalize why they had these views about me. So here I go again, and bat for myself.

The thought of entertaining the idea that “I am too Christian” is hilarious. Like, darling, why thank you. That is a beautiful compliment! I love being a Christian. So you didn’t hurt my feelings there, sweetie. 

Now, regarding my housing situation here in Fiji, I had absolutely no power or control over being placed here. I was placed at this village because the PC thought I belonged here. They believed that what I brought to the table aligned with what the village needed. Being placed in this village was a blessing. If you read my last blog, you would know that I didn’t want to be placed in a bure. But God has His ways of working around my prayers, so Amen!

As for the content that I post, yes, I naturally go for posting happy content, things that will bring joy to others. Why? Because people don’t get on social media to see depressing things. They don’t go on social media to be sad. They hop on it to escape reality and to entertain themselves. Plus, give me some credit; it's not like I don’t occasionally talk about my realities. I have talked about my rat problems and how I have gotten sick a few times. However, my daily struggles are not the main focus of my content, so I will post what I want and what makes me happy.

I can go on and on about how aggravating it was to have that conversation in the middle of a nice, relaxing vacation, but I won’t. I have talked to a few friends and my loved ones about it. But most importantly, I have prayed about it. To learn and understand why it happened. To find it in my heart to forgive and move on. To not let it gain power, or to hold a grudge against anyone. Mark 11:25 says, “But when you are praying, first forgive anyone you are holding a grudge against, so that your Father in Heaven will forgive your sins, too.”

As I continued to break down that conversation, a couple of days later, kid you not, I was reading a scripture about jealousy, and how it destroys hearts. I concluded that to be jealous is not to know God. Jealousy is the root of unhappiness, anger, greed, and a lot of negative energy. It is the cause of a lot of comparisons. And you know, comparison can lead you to a downward spiral of never truly being fulfilled. Because there is always going to be someone out there who is smarter, more resourceful, talented, and stronger than you.   

As I learn more about the values that God has instilled in me, I have learned that jealousy is not an answer that I should ever resort to. God gives people what they deserve when He feels that they are ready. Instead of being jealous of someone, try to be happy because they are getting blessed by the Almighty. God’s plans for everyone are different. He will give to people what He believes they deserve in His timing. 

Plus, I have complete faith that I will get what's mine in His timing. So instead of being sad that someone else is having something that you don’t have, try to be happy for them. Your time will come. My time will come. But in the meantime, let's be happy for one another and celebrate each other's Ws. 

To wrap up this weird blog, I just want to say that as weird as that conversation may have been, I was able to learn a few truths that I wouldn’t have been able to learn if I had not been there. Lessons come in weird situations, obstacles, and are very unpredictable. If it weren’t for my God, who gave me the strength and courage to sit there and listen to all the nonsense that was being said, I wouldn’t have been able to stand the truth. I listened, digested what needed to be digested, and absorbed what needed to be absorbed.

I was also able to teach that not everyone is the same. That not every woman seeks male validation. I taught this through my words and my clothing.

I would like to take a second to apologize if this blog may have been a trigger to you or if it made you feel uncomfortable. I wanted to share this because I know that many women face these uncomfortable conversations daily. I wanted to provide you with a safe space to voice your thoughts. If you ever find yourself in one of these situations and need someone to talk to, please don’t hesitate to reach out to me. Please don’t be afraid to speak up. I would love to listen to your story.

Thank you for reading this blog. If you have any questions or suggestions, please don't be afraid to hit the chat or email me.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Stay tuned for my next blog -> The Village Life

XOXO Yerika