To All The Boys I've Kissed Before

This morning I woke up with a strong feeling to write this blog. I don’t know if last night's dream had any inkling towards it or not. I just knew that I needed to put these thoughts and emotions into pen and paper (in this case, digitally), so here it is.

Most of my writing entries are mainly personal things that I have experienced and feel like others can relate to. Other times, most blogs are about me giving advice of some sort.

This blog is a kind of a memorandum. A letter to my previous situationships. I will be sharing with you some of the encounters that I’ve had with previous crushes, flings, and maybe even love?! Now, I always ask myself if I was ever in love? Given my new definition of love, the one of Jesus Christ, it leaves me feeling that maybe I haven't. Well, at least to the new standards that I have now.

To keep anonymity, privacy, and not share so much, I have decided to share only their initials. (Before you proceed, please keep in mind that I am 25 and I have had my fair share of flings lol.)

A

My first kiss. Our mothers always had a bunch of get-togethers where we would go to each other’s houses to eat lunch or dinner. At times, we played music and danced. I loved those types of encounters because I always danced with A. He was such a good dancer. One afternoon, we youth (I was probably 13 or 14) were in my room, while the mothers were in the living room. We were discussing first kisses. I said I had never kissed anyone before, besides my dad. Well, the girls started saying, “You should kiss A,” and I was like, “Oh, nah.” But deep down, I was like, “Wait, but I do like him, I definitely should!” But then I said no again. This back and forth went on for a couple of minutes. I ended up caving in and said, “Fine, but I will cover my eyes.” I proceeded to cover my eyes with my hands and then felt his lips on mine. The emotions and the adrenaline were high. It lasted about a second, since it was a tap. After everyone asked me, “How are you feeling?” I said, “Fine.” I don’t know what they expected me to say, “That I was over the moon?” Truth was, I indeed was. After this kiss, nothing else passed. The crush died down because it turns out he had a crush on my sister, and my sister had a crush on someone else.

D

This was a heavy crush that resulted from being close to him all the time. My best friend at the time was his sister. Not only did I find him cute, but he could also dance. He had a lovely smile. I occasionally kissed him here and there. At times, I questioned why he even used to kiss me because he had a crush on someone else, who was dating our friend. Maybe he felt bad for me. Who knows? You know, middle school was a mess LOL.

E

My first smooch. This one was so unpredictable. 8^th grade. After science class, a few of us were sitting at a lab table. Some boys were like, “Yerika, why don’t you kiss E? You like him.” Mind you, I had never given them reason to think this, ever! I was “Nah, I am good.” They kept insisting and saying that I was wack and blablablabla. I said, “Huh, fine. Once we finish doing this, we can go outside.” At the moment, I don’t remember what work we were doing. The minutes passed, and I was dreading my decision. Once we finished the work, everyone gathered in the hall in a circle to experience the spectacle. I approached E, went for a tap, but then I felt his tongue, and I was like, "Interesting." I kissed him for a few seconds. We were interrupted by our science teacher, who had just entered the hall. Everyone ran and scattered. I went to the girls' bathroom and ran into the door of the bathroom stall by mistake, and ended up hitting my head. My thoughts were all over the place; "Wao, that was nice," "Omg, what is the teacher going to think?" "Gosh, why did I kiss him? I don’t even like him." "I want to go home". After that kiss, nothing else happened because again, there were no feelings.

J

This was probably the craziest one yet. This boy had taught me that not all boys are good. Firstly, he was 19, and I was about 14. We met one afternoon when I was playing softball. He occasionally came to our practices to help out since he was on the baseball team. A small crush started to develop, which, to this day, I wonder how the heck?! He was not even good-looking, and he was scrawny :| We practiced ball here and there. We kissed here and there. One time, he pulled up to my house, and we kissed on the stairs. Definitely one of the best smooches I’ve had because the thought of my parents coming to my house and catching us was very high. The adrenaline was up there. One afternoon, I was browsing through Facebook. Browsing? Yup, you guessed it, I was stalking him. Tell me how he had a girlfriend the whole time. I was infuriated. I ended up texting her and sending her screenshots of our convo. The poor girl was so blindsided that she said I was lying. After that, I swore off baseball boys.

P

I thought I had learned my lesson, but unfortunately, I hadn’t. Another summer, back in the field, I met another baseball player. I don’t know what it is about them, but it's like I become a deer in the headlights. I am always captivated. At times, I think it's because of their bums because I love myself a good bum LOL. Anyways…… I ended up getting involved with P. He was very cocky. Handsome for sure. A few weeks into seeing him, I ended up asking him when he was coming back to the field because I hadn’t seen him in a while. He told me his team was playing somewhere else that weekend. Oh, I said. I didn’t pay much attention to it. That weekend, I decided to visit my grandmother. In order to get to her house, I often walked by the park. On my walk over, guess who I see on the field? Yup, P and his team, who had just finished playing. You know what else I see? Him sitting next to a girl, all loved up. At that moment, I'm like, “No wayyyyy Joseeeee.” I confront him through IG, and the lame excuses he gives me leave me thinking, “What a bum!” Wanna know a little secret? His name doesn’t even start with a P; that’s his IG name. I was trying so hard to remember his actual name when, in reality, it doesn’t matter. He is low-key irrelevant.

C

My first boyfriend. I was 16 and a Junior in high school. C is definitely the best from the bunch. He is truly one of the best men I have ever met in my life. He is so attentive, kind, loving, generous, thoughtful, and so much more. The first gentleman I had ever truly encountered. He always supported me in everything that I did. He was my number one supporter, even for the creation of this blog. He made me laugh till I cried. He always prioritized me to the max. I always think how lucky I was to have been his girlfriend. C, being my first boyfriend, was truly the best thing that could have happened to me (given my track record). He truly showed me a love that I hadn't seen before. Thank you for all your wonderfulness, C. Now, you might be wondering, if he was so good, why did you guys break up? Well, our timing was not quite right. He was a Christian, and I wasn’t. He prioritized many things that I didn’t at the time. We had been together almost 3 years when we had to call it quits (he broke up with me) because we were no longer fulfilling one another in the way that we needed. He obviously deserved better, and I couldn't give him that.

A

My last boyfriend. This relationship came from a place of wanting to be loved and cared for in a certain way. I believed I was ready to receive a similar love to the one C gave me. Unfortunately, it didn't really come my way. I guess I was at fault for how doomed this relationship ended up being. I found myself caring too much for someone who didn't treat me right. This relationship was very toxic. We went through many rollercoasters. There were many laughs, adventures, promises, wishes, and hopes. But there were more tears, fights, disappointments, and lies. Relationships are supposed to help you become better and test you in hopes of becoming a little better. But when they break you over and over again, that's when you know you should end it. We both felt forced to continue to make something work because we were very comfortable with one another and didn’t want to start over again with someone else. Unfortunately, when you try to trick your mind into believing something that is not true and that they will change, I hate to break it to you, but it won't work. Leaving was hard, but I was free.

A

This mess came out to be because right after I had ended my relationship, I felt completely alone and devastated. Of course, this boy ended up giving me the attention I wanted. I no longer felt alone because we often talked on the phone daily. However, during this situation, I found myself doing many things I had told myself I was never going to do, like lie to my parents. The shame still bothers me today. The lying wasn’t the worst part, no. I let this dude dictate my worth. Not only was he very immature for his age (close to 30, my word), but he seriously thought he was the end of all. He truly embodies a walking red flag immensely. Anyways…. the one and only time when we had made out, he hit me with the, “You are low-key attractive.” Like, what a half-a**** compliment. After that, it was like I had a crazy vision. Where the heck had my self-worth gone to? I pondered on that phrase day and night, night and day. It was truly eating me alive. Not everything was lost, though. I am beyond grateful for this encounter because my testimony came from it. Because of this bum, I was broken to such a point that I needed Jesus’s help. So thank you, A, for your horrible ways of life, which truly sent me on my way towards salvation.  

L

My good friend. Coming into Fiji and going through the PC is something very challenging. All at once, we are faced with so much. L quickly became my pacifier. He had this natural way of calming me down. One time, I was freaking out because I was wearing some rain boots, and it was not going to rain. I was literally almost on the verge of tears when he was like, “Yerika, it's fine. Just breathe. They are just shoes. Plus, you won't even be wearing them." (In Fiji, we are always barefoot inside a room) I had become so overwhelmed by picking the wrong shoes that I forgot that it wasn’t that serious. Throughout training, L reminded me that not everything was that serious. He truly became my best friend. We laughed all the time and spent hours playing Cabo. It truly was a great friendship. But of course, we may have ruined it when we mixed friendship with feelings. You know, when you enjoy someone’s company so much, and then you cross the line by kissing them, and then you're like, “Shoot, I should not have done that.” This was the case. We kinda ruined a great friendship by mixing emotions. However, I am still really good friends with him, so not everything was lost :)

C

Service deprives you of so many things, especially having a deep connection. I found myself lost and in need of any type of affection, and once AGAIN, I lost track of what I deserve. C had become my comfort blanket in the chaos of service. I resorted to him because I knew we could be vulnerable with one another. Having someone you can talk to about all your feelings without feeling ashamed is always so nice. He gave me this space, and I used it to the max. We both always knew that we weren’t good for each other because, again, we both wanted different things, but we still managed to find time to spend together. This safety net, of course, came to an end once I was taken for granted and not cared for as I should have been.

The majority of all these encounters have had me feeling all over the place throughout all these years. I can definitely say that through most of them, I cried. But on the bright side, the versions of Yerika that went into them compared to the ones that came out were completely different. Through each situation, I learned that I was seeking validation and attention from people who didn’t know what they wanted (except for C. I truly, deep in the bottom of my heart, knew that he actually loved me). I learned that I had constantly continued to put myself in positions where I was going to end up hurt because timing and intentions were never right.

So, why am I writing this blog? With this blog, I put an end to this chapter of my life. I put an end to feeding my body with the lustful quests that it seeks. When I became a Christian, I gave my life and body to Christ. Which meant, going around and being physically intimate with someone was no longer an option. I had only been intimate with one person in my life, and I decided that it was going to stay that way until I got married. When I got baptized, I no longer had ownership of my body. My body belongs to Jesus. I know that to some this might seem extreme, but trust me, once you are there with Jesus, no one can bring you back into the darkness.

Whenever anyone asks me, "Yerika, your future man, how do you want them?" I often hit them with a list. Yes, I have a list. Then they hit me with, "Gurl, you are never going to find that. You have to be realistic." To that, I just laugh because I know the faithful God I serve. I know the kind of love that He gives me. He will never set me up for failure. Plus, all the previous encounters that you have read have shaped me into someone who KNOWS what it is that she DESERVES. So, yeah. I will not be settling for mediocre.

Thank you, boys, for reminding me that settling is not really an option. Jesus has shown me what true love is, and I am thankful that I have a footprint of what to look for! My man awaits :)

Thank you for taking the time out of your day to read this entry. If you have any questions or would like to talk, please hit the chat.

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 Stay tuned for my next blog - > It's Simply Just Not Meant To Be

XOXO Yerika