Love Shouldn't Be Complicated!

“Love is patient and kind. Love is not jealous or boastful or proud or rude. It does not demand its own way. It is not irritable, and it keeps no record of being wronged. It does not rejoice about injustice but rejoices whenever the truth wins out. Love never gives up, never loses faith, is always hopeful, and endures through every circumstance.”

1 Corinthians 13: 4-7  

Before I learned the true meaning of love, I searched for it ferociously. I was able to find many different types of love. I found the familial love from my mom and family. I found the sibling love from my sissy and puppers. I found academic love through schooling and learning. I found my love for travel the more I hopped on a plane. I found my love for food as I expanded my taste buds. I found my love for music the more I listened to meaningful songs.  

I searched and searched until I realized I was still missing the most important love. To my knowledge, I had always had it, but I didn’t know how deep that love ran. 

Besides that one true love, I lacked the other most important love that a person can have, and that is self-love. 

Everyone is always preaching that you cannot love someone unless you love yourself. That in order for you to love yourself, you need to do a bunch of self-care routines, work out, hang out with friends, do things that bring you joy, etc., etc., etc. Well, yes, all of these things will help you love yourself, but even after completing all of those things, you are still missing one of the biggest pieces to truly love yourself. You want to know which piece is that… well, keep reading. 

I used to think that I loved myself, but then I found myself in situations where I did the complete opposite. I found myself degrading my persona every time I looked in the mirror. I barely gave myself any grace, nor forgave myself when I did something wrong or disappointed myself. Occasionally, I would compare myself to others and think that I could be way better. 

All of these negative thoughts and feelings came from feeling unworthy or not good enough. All of these feelings came from being exposed to a toxic love. I have occasionally mentioned my previous relationship and how it completely transformed me for the better. However, the dark days were so dark and full of sadness that at times I felt I wasn’t strong enough to fly away.  

I met my ex in college. Like a love story, everything was wonderful and blooming the first few months. As most of you know, it's called the honeymoon stage. The talks of the future, the spontaneous dates, and the long drives filled me with hope. They filled me with life. 

Here and there, we would have a few arguments. However, we usually spoke them out and dealt with them. Time passed, and the same little arguments would re-emerge and do even more damage. 

Throughout the relationship, I realized that I was accepting a lot of things I once said I was never going to allow. One of them is drinking and driving. My father used to do it all the time, and I HATED it. Not only because he was endangering everyone's lives, but also because he didn’t care enough about his family. 

I started to accept not being taken care of correctly. I started to accept not being thought of, taken for granted, cursed at, made fun of, and so much more. I allowed for my body to be taken and used when I didn’t want to. I allowed myself to become a person whom I didn't really recognize when I looked in the mirror. It got to a point where instead of having life poured into me, it was being drained. 

I found myself crying myself to sleep most nights. Disliking the person that I was becoming. One day, I had the craziest thought ever. I said, “Oh, it’s okay if I marry him, there's always the option for divorce.” Like what in the world!!! 

I love love. I have always dreamed of a lovely wedding with my loved ones. I have always wanted the Hallmark movie. Never, in a billion years, had I ever considered divorce as an option until that day. After that, I knew that it was over. 

Things definitely took a turn for the worse after that day. I no longer got excited when I saw his name pop up on a message or received an incoming call from him. I no longer looked forward to spending any “quality” time with him. When we did spend time with each other, he was always playing Clash of Clans. It doesn’t take a genius to know that we were in dark waters. 

I decided to break it off when I was officially in New York. I had already been checked out for about a year, a year and a half. You might be asking what took you so long??? 

Well, I tried to break it off a few times. However, I was always gaslighted into staying. I was always told, “You're giving up on us. We have invested so much into this, it would be stupid to break it off.” All those times I agreed. I told myself, “I am not a quitter, and I don't want to start over with anyone else.” I mean, the thought of asking someone else what their favorite color is gave me the ick lol. 

Well, guys, let me tell you something. That is the vicious cycle most people stay in. The thought of starting over is scary. We get very comfortable and continue to accept less than what we deserve. But let me tell you the freedom that comes after. It is so liberating and real that it gives you purpose and another reason to find yourself. 

When I reflect on that relationship, I don't think that I was weak for being taken advantage of and deciding to stay. I don't think that younger version of myself was any smarter than I am now because I really thought I was in “love.” A deeper part of me knew that I was not being loved the correct way. Part of me was holding onto the idea that he would change. Little did I know that the one who was going to change was me. 

The breakup occurred, and I found myself in the middle of chaos, loneliness, and like the Titanic, a shipwreck. I had no other choice but to pray. Through prayer, I found my freedom and my strength. Through prayer, I was exposed to a one-of-a-kind love. A love that is so unconditional and perfect that it leaves you wondering, how was I living before?

God's love is a faithful kind of love. It’s a love that will last forever. It’s a love that does not change regarding circumstance. It’s a love that still loves through disappointment. It’s a love that is so fierce it knocks you out of your feet. It’s a love that will give you so many goosebumps all at once. It’s a love that leaves you wondering, how?

Before you ask yourself how someone could love this deeply and with such intention, without ever meeting you? Well, that is how good God is. He loves you before you even know who He is. He loves you so so much. He sent His son, Jesus, to die on the cross for you, me, and everyone. He sent His son to be persecuted, shamed, tortured, because He loves us. I know that it is hard to comprehend the magnitude of this event, but try to. 

When I learned of this love, when I learned that I had it all along, I stopped seeking other loves so ferociously. I learned that I had to give it all up to pursue this true, faithful love. I knew that when the time came, He would provide me with everything and more that my heart desires. One of the loves I have craved for so long is the love of my husbands and babies. I have complete faith and hope that He will provide me those loves in His timing.

One of my favorite reminders of what real love is, is the quote from 1 Corinthians 13: 4-7. Whenever I am feeling unlovable, I go back to it and remind myself that I am being loved and have always been loved. So if you're wondering, can you feel it too? Yes, yes, you can. All you have to do is reach out to Him and know that He is ready to give it!

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Stay tuned for my next blog -> Fasting Is Key :)

XOXO Yerika